Okay or better

A couple of years ago, I found out a piece of really disturbing information that I felt I should share with a good friend of mine.  I called him and told him I needed to talk to him.  He met up with me right away.  I told him and afterward, he said, “All of this is weird, but I’m not gonna lie, I thought you were gonna tell me you were dying.”  We laughed about it and I reassured him I wasn’t dying. 

One of the hardest parts of being sick is that the people who love you worry about you all the time.  My relatives call me to check up on me a lot.  My parents walk down to my apartment if they haven’t heard from me all day.  My friends ask if they can help with me anything because they feel like they should be doing something.

I feel really guilty about this.  I know that my disease doesn’t happen in a vacuum, that everyone close to me is affected.  I wish that they weren’t, but I understand.  When they are struggling, I worry about them, too.

Part of why I feel guilty that they worry is because I feel it’s unnecessary.  I am well equipped to live with mast cell disease.  I have excellent medical care from experts in my disease, I understand my disease, I have a strong support system that allows me to safely live independently and work full time.  I have a lot of things working for me that many people don’t.

But even more than these things, I just know that I’ll be fine.  I don’t know how I know, but I have the most distinct feeling that it’s all going to work out.  On a cosmic level.  I feel like all this pain is temporary.    This feeling is not based on science or test results.  It is deeper than that, more primal.  It is true.  I know it is true. 

I know I’m sick, I know anaphylaxis is dangerous, and so on.  I know all these things the way I know anything else scientifically – because I can review data and draw that conclusion.  But this feeling is stronger than that.  I think it’s the reason I am generally happy – because it seems silly to worry about this when it will all be okay.  It’s how I know things won’t be hard forever. 

So all you people who love me – try not to worry so much.  If you need to worry, I will tell you.  My life is difficult right now but it’s all going to sort itself out.  I believe it.  So should you.

“I’ll be okay.  Okay, or better.  It’s like my guarantee.”  -Buffy Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer